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I agree. It’s almost more honest to fart at the urinal. You’re not hiding behind a stall partition like a coward. You’re not anonymous. You put your name and face to that fart. You took ownership of that fart. I find it far more noble. Also, if you’re like me, you have little choice but to fart while pissing. I mean, my asshole barely stops for oxygen when pissing. It’s just one long tear after another. It’s like someone let the air out of a moon bounce. Especially if I piss in the middle of the night. It’s repugnant. I say all’s fair. And the guy next to you is NOT allowed to comment on it.

The first time I ever had to call a plumber, I did no research. I called some random plumbing company who came over to snake my sink and the pieces of shit charged me $800 for the job. Eight hundred goddamn dollars to shove a fucking tube down the drain. And it was all my fault. All I had to do was call around and get a quotes from a handful of plumbers and I wouldn’t have gotten fucked in the ass. So I’ve spent the past five years wishing nothing but hateful shit upon that company, hoping their fucking building burns down and that everyone there dies of being raped by wolves. I also daydreamed about picketing outside their building (I’m far too lazy to ever do it in real life), and calling with them vague threats about “going public” with “everything I know.” I basically pictured myself as a plumbing whistleblower, the bravest man in all of toilet fixing. Instead I called around and found a better plumber next time. Losing money can cause you to lose your goddamn mind.

I have a long standing theory that allowing your significant other to witness you eating chicken wings is a huge step in a relationship, because it has to abercrombie 脿 paris adresse
be the worst of all meals in exaggerating how ugly, dirty and uncoordinated you can possibly be: sauce and glaze all over your face and in your fingernails, gnawing like a fucking caveman at a miniscule strand of meat, that simultaneous bearing your mandibles while sticking your tongue through bones to slurp up some tendon or something; I’ve actually changed my suggestion of restaurant or order because of the implications, and at least once I’m convinced I lost an early stages relationship because of it. My question is, there’s got to be other milestones that aren’t as obvious as first sex or first “I love you” or first non awkward fart or first vacation together that single gents like myself might not be aware of. Any you’d care to warn us about?

Probably the first time you spend back to back nights sleeping at each other’s places. I always thought that was a big deal. I know many, many people out there (mostly guys) who make it a priority to NEVER spend back to back days with someone they’re going out with, so that they can maintain a healthy distance and keep some measure of independence (also so they can fuck other people). Usually, that buffer is at least one day, so you see a girl every other day at the maximum. But that buffer always ends up being compromised (usually by, as mentioned above, a vacation away together or something like that). Once the other person knows you can spend two days together, they tend to jump to the conclusion that you can spend EVERY day together. I’m not just talking about women when I say this. Men can get that impression as well, especially younger men trying to secure their first girlfriend.

The first time I thought I had a “girlfriend” was when I spent two consecutive days with this one girl when I was nineteen. The first day together, we hung out. The second day, we hooked up (first time I ever hooked up with someone). And when that happened, I was like, “Holy shit! GOT MYSELF A BRAND NEW GIRLFRIEND!” I told EVERYONE she was my girlfriend, even my parents. I told people at my shitty waitering job. I would have put it in skywriting if I could have. Securing that first girlfriend when you’re a retarded teenager is pretty much the most important thing in the world.

Also high on that list of big relationship milestones is the whole “meet my friends” business, when your new girlfriend parades you out for all her friends at a bar so that they know she found herself a big strong guy with a nice job and a big ol’ peepee. And it’s hard not to WANT to subject yourself to that little debutante party, as lame as you might find her friends to be. Because the friends will always lie to your friend and tell her “what abercrombie bestellen nederland
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you imagine them all being crazy jealous and murdering your new girlfriend so they can have you for themselves. It’s a pretty fun scenario.

It depends on what you mean by amateur video. If you mean anyone who had sex on camera with a partner (but not necessarily for money), then the number is probably far higher than five and ten. Plenty of people make home movies of themselves doing it, so there’s no reason why your Uncle Bubby couldn’t be spending his nights making tit tickling vids with his new girlfriend, especially given how much easier it is now to shoot movies than it was just a few years ago. You talk to a lot of people in this lifetime. Even bus drivers. You said “thank you” to the bus driver the other day when you put your card in. How do you know he didn’t go home and take out his phone camera and re enact the limo scene in No Way Out with his hobo bride?

Frankly, I’d have a hard time putting anything in my mouth that was still moving, because having live animals and parasites inside my body is a recurring nightmare of mine. Worms. Spider eggs. Larvae. I don’t want any still moving creature inside any of my cavities. That’s horror movie shit, and I say that as someone with an open mind about food. For example, I had a friend who went to Japan and went to a fish market and the fish guy nailed the fish to a board, cut a piece of filet off the live fish, and had her eat the fish while the fish was watching her do it. Basically a fish’s worst nightmare. But the filet doesn’t move when you eat it, so I’d be 100% okay with that. WATCH ME EAT YOU, FISH. I’D EAT YOU SO HARD. But if the filet was wriggling around? No. OUT OF THE QUESTION.

A co worker at my last job had a pretty awful and terrifying nightmare. His dream involved him being chased by spies or terrorists or something that were trying to kill him. A very vivid dream, vivid enough that the guy (while sleeping) burst through his second story window and through a wooden lattice, the type that people use to grow vines up the side of their house, and fell down to the lawn below. HE STILL DIDN’T WAKE UP and was crouching around and hiding behind some bushes for a while longer. The second he wakes up, he finds himself outside and his back is in enormous pain. He has to get a roommate to drive him to the hospital because he can barely walk. Now the poor guy’s new balance 888 wandelschoenen
back is all fucked up just from some crazy ass dream. He did get a few months on medical disability and didn’t have to work, but that’s small potatoes compared to a fucked up back (I’m sure you can attest to that).

I concur. Nothing is more disappointing than getting a meat free bite of your burrito. I’ve had Chipotle burritos that gives you multiple bites of just rice. Now, I like rice. I could eat a dump truck full of steamed rice. I want to bathe in sushi rice, I’m such a whore for it. But I want some chicken in that bite, man. Everything ought to be mixed together, especially the sour cream and guacamole. You get a bite full of sour cream, and you know that much of it could have been better served elsewhere throughout the burrito. That’s science.

In drivers ed, the instructor always tells you to keep your hands at 10 and 2, and though that might be safe, it looks pretty lame. What is the proper driving pose to make you look like an absolute badass? There are some ravines by my house, and every time I drive through their windy, one laned, fast turn roads, I imagine I’m on a high speed chase, evading police/the FBI/hired assassins/etc. In reality, I’m barely breaking 25 because these turns are every 10 feet or so. But still, I put my left hand on top of the wheel, arm fully extended, and right hand on the stick shift. Is there a more badass way to look while driving, without killing myself or anyone else?

I drive in the laziest manner possible, with my left hand in my lap gripping the bottom of the wheel in a very sloppy fashion. It’s tienda michael kors barranquilla
like I’m hardly driving at all (Automatic transmission, just to be extra useless). Only when I have to turn do I perk up and bring my arms above my belly to turn the wheel (I like to pretend it’s one of those huge wooden ship wheels and I’m making my schooner come about. Never gets old). My wife will sometimes get annoyed with this driving style and grab my right hand and place it on the wheel so that I have two hands on it, and I always react to this by looking at her as if I’ve just been sexually violated. That’s MY arm, missy. I’ll deploy it when I see fit.

Or, should you be driving an automatic transmission, the optimal pose is having your right hand on the wheel with your left arm resting along the open driver’s side window (the perfect pose for picking up hookers. Why YES, I am looking to party!). If you’re playing loud music and taking on a tight turn on a mountain road, you really feel like you’re in the middle of running footage for a Jaguar ad. It’s comprar zapatos mbt madrid
tremendous. Bonus points if you happen to be wearing leather gloves at the time. Driving gloves are for fucking douchebags, but god dammit does it feel good to wear leather gloves and give that steering wheel air max 2015 rojos
a firm death grip. Feels like I’m on my way to assassinate someone.

I think the reason why (apart from the above explanation) is because there are so many little white coach’s children in baseball. Coach’s kids are fucking dicks, and some of those kids end up in the major leagues as entitled and surly dickheads. I also think that baseball is the rare sport that gives every player a turn in the limelight (either pitching or batting at the plate), unlike football (which has only one glamour position) and basketball and hockey (in which the ball and puck are constantly changing hands). So it appeals to the kind of kid who likes to get up and preen before a crowd. Like A Rod. He’s a cunt.

Do you think that you could kick the world’s most bad ass midget’s ass? I’m talking little legs and stubby fingers. Arms so short they need a doodie stick to wipe their ass. Minnie Me circus type small. Somewhere in the world there has to be a few that are learned in martial arts. Some kind of specialist in Krav Maga raised on the hard streets and if put in a tournament of little people would be the undisputed king of physical battle. Do you think in one on one combat that you would be able to whip the midget kuma tai grand champion’s ass?

So I work at a law school, which is a very boring thing to do for a living, but the one plus side is that often times we get letters from insane people who have somehow convinced themselves that the law school can help them expose whatever government conspiracy they have gotten themselves entangled in.

The letters are usually just your standard schizophrenic rants. I was tortured by the CIA, the FBI planted a tracking device in my neck etc. The best part about them is the insane format that they are usually written in. Some are handwritten and barely legible with the words running in all directions on the page. Some of them are unpunctuated screeds typed out in Word with footnotes.

Anyways, any time I get one of these letters it absolutely makes my week, because I instantly imagine that I am a world weary police detective who is staring at the ramblings of a murderous madman. I’m like Morgan Freeman when he finds the Se7en killer’s notebooks, pensively deconstructing the thoughts of a serial killer.

I imagine that one day one of the people who sent one of these letters will go on a horrific killing spree that would put the BTK Killer to shame. The FBI will be at their wits end trying to find this guy until they discover that he sent me a letter six weeks before the killings started. Lucky for them, I’ve spent hours meticulously pouring over said letter and have used my superior intuition and detective instincts to discover his location.

Some FBI agent will walk into my office one day and say, “I’m Special Agent Rick Schroeder. I understand that you are in possession of a letter. We believe this letter may have been sent to you by the 4th Street Flayer.”

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